An Open Letter to Ed Helms

Everyone I know is married or engaged. Okay. Not everyone, but can't a girl be dramatic every once in a while? Absolutely.

If they aren't married, they're off on fabulous adventures. And I'm left here wondering who wants to crochet with me. The fact that I'm a 68-year-old woman in a 23-year-old's body has to have something to do with it. Or the fact that the thing I'm currently most passionate about is which type of hot sauce will taste best on my popcorn.

I actually posted something about this on Facebook earlier this week (hot sauce and everyone getting engaged. yes, same post), raising the rhetorical question* of when will I find someone I can be excited about and if that person does, indeed, exist. 1. Stop it, pervs. It's not like that. 2. No, I'm not bitter; I'm quite happy for all of them. Scout's honor. Perhaps I'm just antsy because a lot of my friends from high school and college have found someone like that, or at least a temp that has the possibility of a full-time job and further advancement with the company. . .wait, what?

The way I see it, if I don't feel like a relationship is going to go anywhere, or if I'm not excited about the prospect of being in that relationship, it's not fair to the other person for me to waste their time or emotions. I'd expect someone to be that fair with me. I swear I'm not a cynic, just a realist. So it goes, right? This whole post actually makes me seem like a really awful, horrible, bitter human being, but I really do have a good outlook on all of this. I'm planning a beautiful wedding ceremony for my cats, so I have that. I'm totally kidding. But not really. Kidding. Maybe not? We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

And who knows? Maybe my future husband is reading this right now. Maybe there's someone out there actively looking for a sarcastic, crocheting, guitar playing, crafting, filthy liberal woman muddling her way through life with misophonia. Maybe his name is Ed Helms. And maybe he'll contact me through one of my various social media sites. A girl can dream. In the mean time, just to clarify in case there's any confusion, I'm fine doing me for a while.

Mandatory "I'm in a really good place right now and it probably has something to do with this" selfie

The cool thing about being single is that you don't need to rely on anyone else to make you happy, and honestly, you shouldn't be relying on anyone else to make you happy ever. My opinion. You can do whatever the hell you want. My vision of this idealistic relationship is that someone is just as thrilled as you are to be doing those same things regardless of how unfathomably geeky that activity is. With you even. Is that a big part of it? Sure, why not.

The ball is in your court, Mr. Helms.

*Any of you looking to answer this rhetorical question: I hope you step in dog poop every day for the rest of your life. I could not be more serious. Cut it out.

Chamomile

Oh. My. Gosh.

I said it in my last post, these chamomile soaks are working wonders. No doubt. No more red, itchy, inflamed bump on the back of my anti tragus. Now it's just an itty bitty bump that peels every now and then. I think I'll be able to change to a smaller post soon. I can live with that for a while, but I'm also ready for it to be a fully-healed piercing. (:

Look at this progress!

For anyone dealing with an angry cartilage piercing:  SOAK YOUR NEW PIERCING WITH  CHAMOMILE! I cannot stress how well this worked for me. Seriously, two weeks, soaking once or twice a day after cleaning it in the shower with warm water, and being hyper-aware of what was touching my new blingy ear, and the scarring is almost non existant. If you're going to spend all that money to get a piece of high-quality jewelry ripped through your tender flesh, the least you can do is do what you can to keep you piercing as healthy as it can be. Truth.

The magical, anti-inflammatory flower that has changed my outlook on healing times.

Also, something kind of cool happened to me today at work. I met someone else with an anti tragus piercing! She said hers was loud. Mine wasn't, but I do remember it being a little more painful than what I was expecting. It was a first for me and I was a little creepy about it. . .surprise? I don't care, I probably won't ever see this woman again in my life.

EDIT: Definitely saw that woman again. She was in my section at work this weekend and left me a killer $6 tip. Anti tragus buddies for life.

Paying People to Stab Me in the Ears

Okay. I think I have a problem.

Recently, I started getting into piercing my ears.

NeoMetal goodness

It started innocently enough, with a cute little white opal gracing my right anti tragus, but as soon as I walked out of the studio, I was ready for another one (as stated in my previous post - linked here.) I knew, however, my income as a server wasn't high enough to support two piercings with high-quality service and jewelry in the same day.

So, naturally, I waited a month to go back in and get things checked out, mostly because my new piercing was being a little pissy, probably from being bumped around and hair products. Mathieu, the piercer at Studio 51/50 and possibly the best in Nebraska, said I had some hypertrophic scarring going on & suggested chamomile soaks. Honestly, soaking my ear with a tea bag was not what I had expected. It's super soothing and it seems to be reducing the irritation.

Hypertrophic scarring on my anti tragus

I can hear the ocean!

Anyhow, chamomile's been working wonders. So, while I was in there, getting my month-old piercing checked, I decided it was a waste of being in there if I didn't get another one. I originally wanted a snug or an orbital helix, but Mathieu advised against it and suggested a faux snug: a conch piercing and an auricle piercing to give the illusion of a snug. I was all in, so I started with the conch.

This one was a little bit different than my anti tragus. For the anti tragus, it was a quick pain, me saying, "Oh, there it is," and the agony of putting in the jewelry. I'm being dramatic. It wasn't that bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say the pain was around a 6. For the conch, he used an o-needle. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting what happened. There was a loud crunch, me saying, "Oh, gross!" and that was it. It was like, CRRrrreeuuhngkggkgkh. Gross. It didn't really hurt, probably a 4/10. Naturally, more white opal.

Please excuse the blood. This is around 1 hour after I got it done on Saturday.

I can't wait to go back and finish the piece.

Imagine another white opal to finish that bad boy off.

Also, something else that's been happening that I love, my friends have been asking me to go with them to get their piercings. Yesterday, I went in with my friend, Jenni, while she got a cute little rook piercing. I think I'm too much of a wiener to get that one done. (: She took it like a champ and chose a beautiful curved barbell with light blue gems. I think we're going sometime next month to get another one. I can't decide if I want to finish my faux snug, get a daith piercing, or my second lobes. Also, I have a question: would it be too weird to get my second lobes done, and stretch them to around a 6g or so, and leave my first ones small? I like dangly earrings too much to stretch my first lobes. . .

Whatever. I'll figure it out. I think this is something I could get really passionate about.

I Write Nasty Things About My Cousin on My Blog.

That's a lie. I was just using that to get you here, Alicia.

Recently, I was nominated for a Liebster award by Lauren. When I say recently, I really mean two and a half weeks ago. . .close enough. She and I were in a movie together a few years ago, and she's such a cool person. Her blog is really great, too. So check it out.

Okay. So about how long it took me to get around to doing this. It's just been a weird couple of weeks. I haven't necessarily been busy, just not in the right mindset to write. Whatever. I'm over it and writing now. 

Here we go.

The Liebster Award is an award distributed by bloggers for blogger with under 200 followers. Rad, right? It's a cool way to learn more about the writers behind the blogs you read.

The Rules:
1. Choose 11 other up-and-coming bloggers and link to them in your Liebster post.
2. Answer the 11 questions the previous blogger set for you, then create 11 different ones for the bloggers you will choose.
3. Let those bloggers know you nominated them.
4. No tag backs. No mulligans. No puppy guarding. Okay, just don't tag the person who nominated you. Or puppy guard. It's the worst.
5. Display the Liebster logo. Nailed it.

Lauren's Questions to Me

1. Did you like coffe the first time you tried it?

Like, straight, black coffee? No. I still don't like black coffee. When I do drink coffee, which is a rare occurrence indeed (I'm a tea person), it needs to be so diluted with cream and sugar it just vaguely resembles the drink it began as.

2. Quick. Fast. Most beautiful celebrity ever. Male or female. I don't care.

Ryan Reynold is the prettiest man I've ever seen. He's also hilarious, so that helps.

3. Which book have you most enjoyed over the past 5 years? Why?

Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey, for a couple different reasons. A) Up until spring 2011, I had never read a novel about the environment. B) It made me fall in love with Arches National Park - a real place I've never been. It's easy to fall in love with a fantastical environment, however, this book doesn't romanticize the park. It just is what it is. And it's a beautiful, decaying/living place. I love it.


4. What is your favorite season of the year? Why?

Baseball season. Go Royals & Giants! (I can do that because they're in different leagues. And because I do what I want.)

5. Is there a blog that you read every day? Which one?

I don't know if this really counts. . .I'm  on If You Can't Afford to Tip a lot. There are just a lot of relatable things for anyone in the service industry. And I love laughing at stupid people.

6. Milk chocolate or dark chocolate?

Milk chocolate. Hands down. Any day of the week.

7. Which cartoon did you watch the most when you were little?

Either Rugrats or Cowboys of Moo Mesa

8. If you could be a kitchen appliance, what would you be? Why?

I've actually discussed this topic before. I'd be an ice cube maker because I want everyone to chill. (:

9. How do you feel about the Oxford comma?

You know I have an opinion on this. I was an English student. It's a necessary part of punctuation that's frequently overlooked.

That last comma makes all the difference.

10. If they made another Austin Powers movie, who would you cast as the newest leading lady?

Cloris Leachman. . .is she still alive? I don't care. Her. I'd cast her.

11. Which are cuter, puppies or kittens? And no saying "baby hedgehogs," because obviously they would win.

This is an impossible question to answer. I love both sooooooooo much. Baby red pandas? I cheated and I'm not ashamed.

My Brainbusters for you:

1. Crumple or fold? (toilet paper, that is.)
2. How do you feel about people who chew on ice?
3. How do we know each other?
4. *NSync or Backstreet Boys? Why?
5. What is one book that changed your life? How?
6. How is your life different than what you had imagined it would be at age 11?
7. Is there one piece of jewelry that you always wear?
8. Why aren't tattoos/facial piercings acceptable in the majority of professional workplaces?
9. Could you survive without sunglasses? Obviously I'm being dramatic. How would forgetting your sunglasses at home impact your day?
10. What language do you love to listen to, but don't understand or speak any yourself? Why?
11. What is your favorite color combination?

AND THE NOMINEES FOR A LIEBSTER AWARD (from Britni) ARE:

Can I Get That in Cornflower Blue? - Josh

In These Shoes - Chelsea

Grace and Peace - Mairin

Stepping Out From the Old and Into The New - Amanda

Coffee and Crayolas with Ms. Roemmich - Kat

Jealous for Me - Hillary

Things I See God Do. . . - Stephanie

Point of Focus - Laura

I know there are only 8. I honestly don't follow a lot of blogs, but these ones are my favorites. Some of the people don't post often/haven't posted in a while, but I hope this sparks them back into writing. *fingers crossed*

Lauren, thanks so much for nominating me! I can't wait to read what everyone else writes. (:

Swiggity Swag, What's in the Bag?

Ooooh, man. I'm lazy. I promised the pattern to my ewok hoodie probably a month ago on instagram and twitter. I had it all written up, correct stitch count, materials used, everything. But I never got around to it. I am a piece of work. It's not like I've been too busy to post it, just lazy. Anyway, here it is.

EWOK INFINITY HOOD

Supplies Needed: 3 Skeins Main Color (I used Loops & Threads Impeccable in Pumpkin)

1 Skein Contrast Color (I used Loops & Threads Fabulous Fur in Wolf)

U.S. - K 6.5mm

Stitch markers

Gauge: 10 dc x 6 rows = 4 inches

Scarf

ch 175 (yarn held doubled), and connect to first chain

Row1: ch 2, skip 1st stitch, dc in every stitch to end. sl st to 2nd chain at beginning of the row.

Row2-7: ch 2, skip 1st stitch, dc in every stitch to end. sl st to 2nd chain at beginning of the row.

finish and weave in ends.

Hood

set place marker where you broke off yarn. count out 21 st from pm on both sides.

Row1: join (yarn held doubled) with sl st to outer marked st.  ch 2, dc in each stitch across. move center marker up to new center. end with a dc in last marked stitch. turn. [43 stitches]

Row2: ch 2, dc in each stitch to 1 before center, 2 dc in next stitch, dc in center, 2 dc in next stitch. dc across to end of hood. turn. [45 stitches]

Row3-10: repeat row 2. turn. [47, 49, 51, 53, 55, 57, 59, 61]

Row11: ch 2, dc in each stitch to 2 before center, dc2tog, dc in center, dc2tog, dc in remaining stitch to end. [59 stitches]

Row12-17: repeat row 11. turn. [45 in last row]

fold in half and sl st closed. weave in ends.

Ears

ch 6, sl st through 1st stitch to form magic ring.

ch 3, dc 11 into center of ring, sl st into 3rd ch.

ch 3, 2dc into each stitch, sl st into 3rd ch.

ch 3, dc 1, ^dc1, 2dc. repeat from ^ around the circle. sl st into 3rd  ch.

finish and weave in ends.

fold the circles to make them look like ewok ears, and whip stitch onto hood.

weave in ends.

rock your new hood like a champ.

_____________________________________________

Really. A lot of new stuff is going on. Okay, not a lot. Two new things. One thing I've been planning for three years. Yes, since I was living in Maryland and I've been too much of a baby to actually do it. Can you handle the anticipation??

I finally got my anti-tragus pierced! I love it so much.

I won't lie to you guys, it hurt. Quite a bit. Just enough for me to say, "Oh, there it is," when the needle went through the cartilage. What really hurt the most was putting the earring in. I settled on a gorgeous white opal labret. It hasn't been too sore. The only thing that has set me back was sleeping. I get a little paranoid that I'll rip it out of my ear in the middle of the night, lose gallons of blood, and ruin my bedding.

I've been itching for another one ever since I walked out of Studio 51/50 in Kearney. I think maybe a snug or orbital helix is somewhere in my near future. Maybe when I go in three weeks from now when I get this one checked. I'll keep you posted.

Also, I dyed my hair blue.

It took me three freaking times.

And bleach.

But I love it.

I am an adult. Hire me.

And look at my new Giants shirt.

Love it.

Love them.

I'm so freaking vain.

Whatever.

Things I Thought I'd Have By My Twenties

I believe adulthood is some sort of construct placed in our minds by our parents when we're young. "BRITNI NICOLE, YOU ACT YOUR AGE," was heard countless times in my childhood, but I'm not even sure what that means. What 8-year-old chooses to be a stuffy brat? What 25/35/55/85-year-old chooses to be a stuffy brat? When does adulthood happen? Does God have feet? What the hell is the stock market? I just have so many questions. . . 

I think technically/legally/whatever I am one, but I don't feel like it. As far as I'm concerned, I will sit at the kids table for eternity, and that's totally cool. Because I think everyone else has a skewed perception on what it means to be an adult. Just me? Fair enough.

           The following is a list (I love lists) I have compiled of things I thought I'd have by my twenties, and so far, at 23, I don't.

Things I Thought I'd Have By My Twenties

(but definitely don't)

1. Acceptance into a Master's Program
2. A larger video game collection
3. A relationship moving towards the idea of marriage
4. A better understanding of life, the universe, and everything
5. A swanky apartment with chic leather furniture
6. A meaningful career as a rock star/archaeologist/illustrator/dinosaur
7. More tattoos
8. The ability to make myself presentable
9. The skills of a witty conversationalist
10. A grip on reality via Cosmo and my Twitter feed
11. The closet of a responsible adult
12. A working definition of the words "responsible" and "adult"
13. More guitars
14. More Twitter followers ahahaaha
15. A really awesome MySpace page
16. The ability to stifle childish laughter brought on by anything remotely sexual
17. The experience of beating Donkey Kong 64
18. A home bar and library
19. No student debt
20. Money
21. Self-control when it comes to chocolate
22. Social skills
23. Dignity

Thirty's a way off. . .maybe by then. Until December of 2019, I'll be the one at the kids table with black olives on her fingers, Kool-aid moustache on her face, and a plate full of snickers salad. Don't you judge me.

One. More. Semester.

Last night, at approximately 5:23, I had dwindled my college career down to one semester left. And I can tell you, it's a dang good feeling. This semester has been testing. Seriously. Hated a lot of it. Mostly the class part. I figured since this is half-time of my senior year in college I would do another one of my infamous end-of-the-year lists. I think it will help me when I'm hating everything come spring. So here we go.

GERMAN

• Wake up on time.
• Two vowels go walking, the second one does the talking. (In German at least)
• Oktoberfest is actually in September.
• Umlauts make me want to jump out the window.

PAINTING . . . something

• Canvases are expensive as crap.
• My professor's a douche.
• I love James Ensor and Paul Cezanne.
• I didn't learn anything about oil paint.

ILLUSTRATION

• I should have been working with ink the whole time.
• Black and white is my forte.
• Adobe Illustrator blows.
• Skulls should be done with stippling.

SHAKESPEARE

• Becoming an English minor was the worst decision of my life.
• The Lion King was based on Hamlet. I think that's why I enjoyed this play best.
• You can get through an English class without reading any of the plays. Just show up and watch the movies.
• Don't try to follow Purdon's bunny trails. It isn't worth the headache.
• It's all a construct.

Well, next semester, I'm bringing the same distress to myself -- more German, Printmaking, World Literature, and another Painting class. I know it's not a lot of credits, but it will suck on top of track meets/practice and working at the dirty bird.  My one saving thought is the idea of spending all of January talking about baseball . . . for a class. Whaterrr.  I'm just pumped about being this close to graduation.