An Open Letter to Ed Helms

Everyone I know is married or engaged. Okay. Not everyone, but can't a girl be dramatic every once in a while? Absolutely.

If they aren't married, they're off on fabulous adventures. And I'm left here wondering who wants to crochet with me. The fact that I'm a 68-year-old woman in a 23-year-old's body has to have something to do with it. Or the fact that the thing I'm currently most passionate about is which type of hot sauce will taste best on my popcorn.

I actually posted something about this on Facebook earlier this week (hot sauce and everyone getting engaged. yes, same post), raising the rhetorical question* of when will I find someone I can be excited about and if that person does, indeed, exist. 1. Stop it, pervs. It's not like that. 2. No, I'm not bitter; I'm quite happy for all of them. Scout's honor. Perhaps I'm just antsy because a lot of my friends from high school and college have found someone like that, or at least a temp that has the possibility of a full-time job and further advancement with the company. . .wait, what?

The way I see it, if I don't feel like a relationship is going to go anywhere, or if I'm not excited about the prospect of being in that relationship, it's not fair to the other person for me to waste their time or emotions. I'd expect someone to be that fair with me. I swear I'm not a cynic, just a realist. So it goes, right? This whole post actually makes me seem like a really awful, horrible, bitter human being, but I really do have a good outlook on all of this. I'm planning a beautiful wedding ceremony for my cats, so I have that. I'm totally kidding. But not really. Kidding. Maybe not? We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

And who knows? Maybe my future husband is reading this right now. Maybe there's someone out there actively looking for a sarcastic, crocheting, guitar playing, crafting, filthy liberal woman muddling her way through life with misophonia. Maybe his name is Ed Helms. And maybe he'll contact me through one of my various social media sites. A girl can dream. In the mean time, just to clarify in case there's any confusion, I'm fine doing me for a while.

Mandatory "I'm in a really good place right now and it probably has something to do with this" selfie

The cool thing about being single is that you don't need to rely on anyone else to make you happy, and honestly, you shouldn't be relying on anyone else to make you happy ever. My opinion. You can do whatever the hell you want. My vision of this idealistic relationship is that someone is just as thrilled as you are to be doing those same things regardless of how unfathomably geeky that activity is. With you even. Is that a big part of it? Sure, why not.

The ball is in your court, Mr. Helms.

*Any of you looking to answer this rhetorical question: I hope you step in dog poop every day for the rest of your life. I could not be more serious. Cut it out.

Things I Thought I'd Have By My Twenties

I believe adulthood is some sort of construct placed in our minds by our parents when we're young. "BRITNI NICOLE, YOU ACT YOUR AGE," was heard countless times in my childhood, but I'm not even sure what that means. What 8-year-old chooses to be a stuffy brat? What 25/35/55/85-year-old chooses to be a stuffy brat? When does adulthood happen? Does God have feet? What the hell is the stock market? I just have so many questions. . . 

I think technically/legally/whatever I am one, but I don't feel like it. As far as I'm concerned, I will sit at the kids table for eternity, and that's totally cool. Because I think everyone else has a skewed perception on what it means to be an adult. Just me? Fair enough.

           The following is a list (I love lists) I have compiled of things I thought I'd have by my twenties, and so far, at 23, I don't.

Things I Thought I'd Have By My Twenties

(but definitely don't)

1. Acceptance into a Master's Program
2. A larger video game collection
3. A relationship moving towards the idea of marriage
4. A better understanding of life, the universe, and everything
5. A swanky apartment with chic leather furniture
6. A meaningful career as a rock star/archaeologist/illustrator/dinosaur
7. More tattoos
8. The ability to make myself presentable
9. The skills of a witty conversationalist
10. A grip on reality via Cosmo and my Twitter feed
11. The closet of a responsible adult
12. A working definition of the words "responsible" and "adult"
13. More guitars
14. More Twitter followers ahahaaha
15. A really awesome MySpace page
16. The ability to stifle childish laughter brought on by anything remotely sexual
17. The experience of beating Donkey Kong 64
18. A home bar and library
19. No student debt
20. Money
21. Self-control when it comes to chocolate
22. Social skills
23. Dignity

Thirty's a way off. . .maybe by then. Until December of 2019, I'll be the one at the kids table with black olives on her fingers, Kool-aid moustache on her face, and a plate full of snickers salad. Don't you judge me.