An Open Letter to Ed Helms

Everyone I know is married or engaged. Okay. Not everyone, but can't a girl be dramatic every once in a while? Absolutely.

If they aren't married, they're off on fabulous adventures. And I'm left here wondering who wants to crochet with me. The fact that I'm a 68-year-old woman in a 23-year-old's body has to have something to do with it. Or the fact that the thing I'm currently most passionate about is which type of hot sauce will taste best on my popcorn.

I actually posted something about this on Facebook earlier this week (hot sauce and everyone getting engaged. yes, same post), raising the rhetorical question* of when will I find someone I can be excited about and if that person does, indeed, exist. 1. Stop it, pervs. It's not like that. 2. No, I'm not bitter; I'm quite happy for all of them. Scout's honor. Perhaps I'm just antsy because a lot of my friends from high school and college have found someone like that, or at least a temp that has the possibility of a full-time job and further advancement with the company. . .wait, what?

The way I see it, if I don't feel like a relationship is going to go anywhere, or if I'm not excited about the prospect of being in that relationship, it's not fair to the other person for me to waste their time or emotions. I'd expect someone to be that fair with me. I swear I'm not a cynic, just a realist. So it goes, right? This whole post actually makes me seem like a really awful, horrible, bitter human being, but I really do have a good outlook on all of this. I'm planning a beautiful wedding ceremony for my cats, so I have that. I'm totally kidding. But not really. Kidding. Maybe not? We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

And who knows? Maybe my future husband is reading this right now. Maybe there's someone out there actively looking for a sarcastic, crocheting, guitar playing, crafting, filthy liberal woman muddling her way through life with misophonia. Maybe his name is Ed Helms. And maybe he'll contact me through one of my various social media sites. A girl can dream. In the mean time, just to clarify in case there's any confusion, I'm fine doing me for a while.

Mandatory "I'm in a really good place right now and it probably has something to do with this" selfie

The cool thing about being single is that you don't need to rely on anyone else to make you happy, and honestly, you shouldn't be relying on anyone else to make you happy ever. My opinion. You can do whatever the hell you want. My vision of this idealistic relationship is that someone is just as thrilled as you are to be doing those same things regardless of how unfathomably geeky that activity is. With you even. Is that a big part of it? Sure, why not.

The ball is in your court, Mr. Helms.

*Any of you looking to answer this rhetorical question: I hope you step in dog poop every day for the rest of your life. I could not be more serious. Cut it out.

Swiggity Swag, What's in the Bag?

Ooooh, man. I'm lazy. I promised the pattern to my ewok hoodie probably a month ago on instagram and twitter. I had it all written up, correct stitch count, materials used, everything. But I never got around to it. I am a piece of work. It's not like I've been too busy to post it, just lazy. Anyway, here it is.

EWOK INFINITY HOOD

Supplies Needed: 3 Skeins Main Color (I used Loops & Threads Impeccable in Pumpkin)

1 Skein Contrast Color (I used Loops & Threads Fabulous Fur in Wolf)

U.S. - K 6.5mm

Stitch markers

Gauge: 10 dc x 6 rows = 4 inches

Scarf

ch 175 (yarn held doubled), and connect to first chain

Row1: ch 2, skip 1st stitch, dc in every stitch to end. sl st to 2nd chain at beginning of the row.

Row2-7: ch 2, skip 1st stitch, dc in every stitch to end. sl st to 2nd chain at beginning of the row.

finish and weave in ends.

Hood

set place marker where you broke off yarn. count out 21 st from pm on both sides.

Row1: join (yarn held doubled) with sl st to outer marked st.  ch 2, dc in each stitch across. move center marker up to new center. end with a dc in last marked stitch. turn. [43 stitches]

Row2: ch 2, dc in each stitch to 1 before center, 2 dc in next stitch, dc in center, 2 dc in next stitch. dc across to end of hood. turn. [45 stitches]

Row3-10: repeat row 2. turn. [47, 49, 51, 53, 55, 57, 59, 61]

Row11: ch 2, dc in each stitch to 2 before center, dc2tog, dc in center, dc2tog, dc in remaining stitch to end. [59 stitches]

Row12-17: repeat row 11. turn. [45 in last row]

fold in half and sl st closed. weave in ends.

Ears

ch 6, sl st through 1st stitch to form magic ring.

ch 3, dc 11 into center of ring, sl st into 3rd ch.

ch 3, 2dc into each stitch, sl st into 3rd ch.

ch 3, dc 1, ^dc1, 2dc. repeat from ^ around the circle. sl st into 3rd  ch.

finish and weave in ends.

fold the circles to make them look like ewok ears, and whip stitch onto hood.

weave in ends.

rock your new hood like a champ.

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Really. A lot of new stuff is going on. Okay, not a lot. Two new things. One thing I've been planning for three years. Yes, since I was living in Maryland and I've been too much of a baby to actually do it. Can you handle the anticipation??

I finally got my anti-tragus pierced! I love it so much.

I won't lie to you guys, it hurt. Quite a bit. Just enough for me to say, "Oh, there it is," when the needle went through the cartilage. What really hurt the most was putting the earring in. I settled on a gorgeous white opal labret. It hasn't been too sore. The only thing that has set me back was sleeping. I get a little paranoid that I'll rip it out of my ear in the middle of the night, lose gallons of blood, and ruin my bedding.

I've been itching for another one ever since I walked out of Studio 51/50 in Kearney. I think maybe a snug or orbital helix is somewhere in my near future. Maybe when I go in three weeks from now when I get this one checked. I'll keep you posted.

Also, I dyed my hair blue.

It took me three freaking times.

And bleach.

But I love it.

I am an adult. Hire me.

And look at my new Giants shirt.

Love it.

Love them.

I'm so freaking vain.

Whatever.